How to Have Mistletoe-tally Quiet Sex This Holiday Season
From dancing around the house in your pants to loud, uninterrupted sex, there are loads of benefits to living alone or just with your partner.
Then the holidays arrive, and throw a big sparkly spanner in the works. Suddenly there's a relative lurking around every corner, and you're sleeping on the squeakiest mattress ever.
A house crowded with people isn't the easiest place to get it on, but before you put a ban on festive bonking, or spend the holidays separated from your favourite vibrator (gasp), here are some handy tips to help you get your glad tidings.
If you or your partner tend to be quite vocal when you're in the moment, music is great – it masks gasps, moans and your massage wand's highest setting.
Tell your family you've got a massive pile of gifts to wrap, put a 'DO NOT DISTURB' sign on your door and turn up the music.
If you wrestle with any wrapping, make it the Naughty Knot Unwrap Me Body Bow – slip it on under your Christmas sweater and invite your lover to unwrap their gift early.
Have the gifts wrapped up already, or your cover will be blown pretty quickly.
Knocking Around the Christmas Tree
When it comes to positions, you're going to be limited to slightly less athletic ones – especially if you're on a creaky camp bed.
Spoons is a winner when you want to keep it down, as there's less thrusting involved – plus if anyone interrupts you you can pretend you're having a quick Christmas cuddle.
Or try a horizontal version of doggy style - we're calling it the 'Saucy Sleigh Ride' – where the noisiest partner lies on their stomach, and muffles any moans with a cushion.
Speaking of soft furnishings, if a squeaky bed is your issue you can always move things to the floor. Don't forget to throw your duvet down first – unless your Christmas outfit covers up carpet burns.
Oh Come All Ye Playful
Extra-quiet sex toys are perfect for undercover action, and Lovehoney have a whole section devoted to bullets, rabbits and massage wands that are barely audible - especially when there's a wall between you and your relatives.
The Womanizer Premium has a Smart Silence function, which means it only turns on when it comes into close contact with your body, and turns off when contact is broken. Plus, the fluttering, oral-sex-style sensations are whisper quiet.
If you're really worried, do the 'closed door test' with your sex toy: switch it on, shut the door and see if you can really hear it. If you can't, they probably won't be able to, either.
Don't forget non-vibrating toys like dildos and strokers, too - if you've never tried one, now's the time!
Jingle Bell Cock
If you can't trust yourself to keep it down, wait until everyone is out. Build the tension with suggestive texts and subtle touching throughout the day, then make your excuses and stay home when everyone else goes for the long Boxing Day walk.
Or, celebrate your last day of alone time before everyone arrives with a noisy, no-holds-barred sex session. Hopefully that way you won't have so much to get out of your systems when you're in a house full of people.
If full sex is off the table you can enjoy other forms of intimacy instead – it'll only make it more exciting when you're finally alone.
69-ing is great if you're worried about being overheard, as both your mouths are busy – if you're feeling competitive, challenge each other to keep as quiet as you can, and add a drizzle of flavoured lube to make your frolics extra festive.
Singing in the Shower
In most family homes, the bathroom is the only room with a lock on the door, so it's the perfect place to escape for half an hour of uninterrupted fun with your favourite waterproof toy.
Sneaking off for a steamy shower with your SO might seem like a great idea, but choose your timing wisely – nothing says 'buzzkill' quite like a queue of people waiting for you to be 'done'.
Just have a look at the 'Specifics' section when you're reading about the toy and check that it says 'Submersible.'
So there we have it – you should be ready for a very fappy, ahem HAPPY Christmas.
What are your tips for keeping it down during the festive season? Share them with us in the comments below.
You may also like: